I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
You Might Also Like
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish