Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.