I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
WHY would you be happy about this?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
#Caturday
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading