Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Happy Star Wars day!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.