I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”