[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.