PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]