I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
You Might Also Like
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..