walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
R.I.P.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers