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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My wife has the worst taste in men.