Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*