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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.