Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes