GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️