The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*