The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You Might Also Like
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
become ungovernable
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.