My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
You Might Also Like
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
LMAO.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Called it
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776