How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
we’re gonna need another temp
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with