I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.