If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
i would wish you the best but i am the best
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about