I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
You Might Also Like
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.