me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I know karate and tons of other words.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.