ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Living the best life.. 😊
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying