Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
sistine chapel
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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