“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
who did the taste test?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.