My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.