The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
That’s easy for you to say
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.