I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”