Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Dishonest mechanic?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.