Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.