date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
This checks out
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
there’s probably a fee though
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”