Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.