The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?