Shoo shoo! 😂
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark