COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
same energy
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
How all things should be taught/explained.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear