4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt