Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup