Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’m half potato on my dad’s side