Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*