I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
A little too much information.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.