[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
How long do you have to wait between naps?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better