In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.