[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”