My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*