a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
the short answer to this question
crazy
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind