My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.