[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone