Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
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Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
We’ve all been there
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days