Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?