[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
You Might Also Like
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
This meal prepping shit easy
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Every house has this drawer